Starting again

Here we go again!!

So Chuck and I (mainly me) have decided it’s time to put another cake in the oven.

It’s not a difficult decision to be fair. The aforementioned snowboarding holiday is imminent so we can safely crack on with trying without impacting that (gotta have priorities, right?) and if Chuck gets an MBA place in the summer we could be moving to the USA where, without a work visa, I will have little to do but be a “mom”.

In all seriousness, I can’t wait for the holiday. With the MBA application process as demanding as it is, I have had little support with Thea, the house, cooking, cleaning etc. for the past six months and I am exhausted – not just physically but mentally. I’m not a natural housewife. It makes me feel a bit like a slave. It makes me grumpy. I like a clean house, I don’t have any problem doing my fair share but I most definitely DO mind doing someone else’s share too because it’s not something I particularly enjoy.

Chuck has been completely consumed by GMAT preparation, then essay writing and now interview prep. For the best part of this year he has been up at 5am to go to the office to study. He comes home at a reasonable time to try and see Thea before she goes to bed but then gets his head back into MBA until a hot meal magically appears before him. And then he’s straight back to it while said meal is magically cleared away.

It’s not that I begrudge that, I’m so glad he’s put his heart and soul into it. I’m proud of him and I am a firm believer that if you want to do something like this you can’t go half arsed. I knew what this process would demand of me and I was happy to take it on… But it’s hard.

So I do begrudge him, his 30-minutes on the throne playing Candy Crush Saga or catching up with the football results on L’equipe.

Because I know he needs to make sacrifices to succeed but I feel that it should be the downtime that goes in favour of helping me. But, as he often points out, he is doing all this for me and Thea and God knows everybody needs some “Me Time” every now and then.

Including me. I look after Thea from dawn til I drop her at the childminders when I go directly to work then back to collect Thea – if I’m lucky I can fit in a ten minute lunch. Then looking after Thea and trying to get some work done: housework, errands, that sort of thing. Prepare dinner for Thea and us, bath her, story, put her to bed. Finish cooking dinner, start working – answering emails, designing flyers, writing scripts, checking Facebook for work, updating spreadsheets. Eat, tidy away dinner, put a wash on, hang out previous washing, back to work until falling into bed around 11pm.

I don’t mean to sound all “wah, wah, poor me” but as you can imagine this is knackering! (On a completely irrelevant point, my sister recently told me “knackered” was a rude word cause it means you’ve had shed loads of sex!! Does it?! My former media life has left me completely immune to swearing. I’m anaesthetised to it!! So please take it as read that when I am knackered it is highly, highly unlikely down to any sort of sex-a-thon!! Alas.)

Chuck is also working or studying every hour that exists but he finds time for himself by ignoring things like washing, dusting, even picking up the mail. Things he could do but, quite understandably, doesn’t want to. So I do it – because he genuinely doesn’t care if there’s dust everywhere (unless he had friends or relatives coming) and I do.

I wish I could be more like this. To have a blasé attitude towards housework – I try but we get to a certain stage of untidiness and I crack and have to spend hours blitzing and cleaning like the opposite of a Tasmanian Devil – raging through the apartment leaving order and sparking surfaces in my wake.

So you might think, having read all this, that getting pregnant is a ridiculous idea! How will I ever manage? Quite. The thing is Chuck is at the end of the MBA application process now and can finally help me more.

He’s already doing two mornings or more a week with Thea, he is usually home to put her to bed and he’s even doing the odd bit of clearing up… And naturally struts about afterwards like he ought to be given some sort applause.

Still, it’s a huge weight off and in just a few days, I will get to spend a week away from it all – snowboarding in France!!

I know I’m going to come back feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world again. The balance will be restored.

Our mantra as a couple has always been “It’s all about balance”.

And we also need to balance our little family – can’t be doing with odd numbers!! I am so excited to start trying – it probably sounds nuts but I’m ready, I’m broody and I know it could take a while so: on your marks, get set…


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